Snow White

and the Seven Dwarfs

by Roald Dahl 

​

When little Snow-White’s mother died

The King, her father, up and cried

“Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!

Now I must find another wife.”

(It’s never easy for a King

To find himself that sort of thing.)

He wrote to every magazine

And said, “I’m looking for a Queen.”

At least ten thousand girls replied

And begged to be the royal bride

The king said with a shifty smile

“I’d like to give each one a trial.”

However, in the end he chose

A lady called Miss Maclahose

Who brought along a curious toy

That seemed to give her endless joy.

This was a mirror framed in brass

A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING GLASS

Ask it something day or night

It always got the answer right

For instance, if you were to say

“Oh Mirror, what’s for lunch today?”

The thing would answer in a trice

“Today it’s scrambled eggs and rice.”

Now every day, week in week out

The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout

“Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall

Who is the fairest of them all?”

The Mirror answered every time

“Oh Madam, you’re the Queen sublime

You are the only one to charm us

Queen, you are the cat’s pyjamas.”

 

For ten whole years the silly Queen

Repeated this absurd routine

Then suddenly, one awful day

She heard the Magic Mirror say

“From now on Queen, you’re number two

Snow-White is prettier than you.”

The Queen went absolutely wild

She yelled, “I’m going to scrag that child.”

“I’ll cook her flaming goose, I’ll skin her

I’ll have her rotten guts for dinner.”

She called the Huntsman to her study

She shouted at him, “Listen, buddy,

You drag that filthy girl outside

And see you take her for a ride

Thereafter slit her ribs apart

And bring me back her bleeding heart.”

The Huntsman dragged the lovely child

Deep deep into the forest wild

Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake

She cried, “Oh please give me a break.”

The knife was poised, the arm was strong

She cried again, “I’ve done no wrong.”

The Huntsman’s heart began to flutter

It melted like a pound of butter.

He murmured, “Okay, beat it, kid.”

And you can bet your life she did

Later, the Huntsman made a stop

Within the local butcher’s shop

And there he bought, for safety’s sake

A bullocks heart and one nice steak

“Oh Majesty! Oh Queen,” he cried

“That rotten little girl has died.

And just to prove I didn’t cheat

I’ve brought along these bits of meat.”

The Queen cried out, “Bravissimo

I trust you killed her nice and slow.”

Then (this is the disgusting part)

The Queen sat down and ate the heart

(I only hope she cooked it well

Boiled heart can be as tough as hell)

 

While all this was going on

Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone?

She’d found it easy, being pretty

To hitch a ride into the city

And there she’d got a job, unpaid

As general cook and parlour-maid

With seven funny little men

Each one not more than three foot ten

Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them

These seven dwarfs, though awfully nice

Were guilty of one shocking vice

They squandered all of their resources

At the race-track backing horses

(When they hadn’t backed a winner

None of them got any dinner)

One evening, Snow-White said, “Look here,

I think I’ve got a great idea

Just leave it all to me, okay,

And no more gambling till I say.”

That very night, at eventide

Young Snow-White hitched another ride

And then, when it was very late

She slipped in through the Palace gate

The King was in his counting house

Counting out his money

The Queen was in the parlour

Eating bread and honey

The footmen and the servants slept

So no one saw her as she crept

On tip-toe through the mighty hall

And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall

 

As soon as she had got it home

She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome)

To ask it what he wished to know

“Go on,” she shouted, “Have a go.”

He said, “Oh Mirror, please don’t joke

Each of us is stony broke

Which horse will win tomorrow’s race,

The Ascot Gold Cup Steeple-chase?”

The Mirror whispered sweet and low

“The horse’s name is Mistletoe.”

The Dwarfs went absolutely daft

They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft

Then rushed away to raise some dough

With which to back old Mistletoe

They pawned their watches, sold the car

They borrowed money near and far

(For much of it they had to thank

The Manager of Barclays Bank)

 

They went to Ascot and of course

For once they backed the winning horse

Thereafter, every single day

The Mirror made the bookies pay

Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share

And each was soon a millionaire

Which shows that gambling’s not a sin

Provided that you always win.